Mom Remembers

It is so much fun to watch my son develop theory of mind. I love interacting with him and seeing evidence of his increased understanding of the world. His most recent thought-accomplishment: realizing that our body parts and his body parts are similar and can do much of the same things. It all started on Sunday when he crawled up to the coffee table and picked up Scott's glasses. Usually Scott is wearing them and we don't let Soren grab them from off his face. But that day, the glasses were free for the taking. Soren was elated. He picked them up and straightaway tried to put them on his face. He didn't get the ear pieces so the glasses never perched securely on his face but he was still excited about looking through the eyepieces just like he had seen his father do. We were a little shocked and very pleased, although not as pleased as Soren was. He grinned and then started laughing. I hurried to take a picture. Then, on Monday, we were sitting at the table ea

Yesterday, after walking Scott to the train stop, Soren and I were coming home. We approached our gated apartment complex and, when we got to the entrance, Soren reached out and pointed at the buzzer box. Did he know that was what came next? That after we pressed the buttons, we could go up the stairs, open the front door, and have breakfast? Or was he excited about the blinking light and shiny buttons? Perhaps it was just random hand movements. It seemed very purposeful to me. Then, for the rest of the day, whenever he wanted me to pick him up, he would point at me rather than pulling at my hands. I think he's learned a new way of communicating!

This feels like such a silly thing to report about but it's got me tickled pink. Today Soren learned, what I feel, is the most important of all the English syllables: "ma". And it's about time. After months and months of hearing nothing but "da da da da" all day long, it's a refreshing change. I'm pretty sure that "da da" and "ma ma" don't correlate to anything in his mind yet. Still, he's that much closer to calling me his "mama" and I can't say the approximations don't warm my heart.

I was getting dressed when it suddenly got very quiet out in the living room. Soren had been contentedly babbling a moment ago and now it was silent. I'm sure you can imagine me, rushing half-panted down the hall, hoping nothing horrible had happened. At our last visit, my pediatrician filled my mind with horror stories of infant death; now gruesome scenes were flipping through my mind like a slide show on speed. Or like the scary tunnel in "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory". Expecting a disaster, I was relieved when this was what I saw in the living room: The night before, I'd left a slice of left-over cake on the arm chair. We'd had company and Soren had been in bed. When I'd forgotten it at the end of the evening, it had been far from my son's greedy grasp. But this morning, when it was still left behind, it was within easy baby reach and too unusual for him not to explore. No wonder he was so quiet! He'd been experimenting with an unk

Today, while I took a bath, Soren played on the floor in the bathroom. He rummaged through a box of soaps, shampoos, and feminine hygiene products. He looked into the toilet and dipped his fingertips in the bowl. He pulled himself up on the lip of the tub and started splashing in the water. He played with the shower curtain, fingering it and listening to the muted crinkle. Then, he looked at me, smiled, and pulled the shower curtain in front of his face. My breath caught when he peeked his head out from around the curtain and giggled. He wobbled back into hiding behind the curtain. He was play peek-a-book--with me!

Every mom is different and so is every child. There is no one right way to parent. I learned something very valuable in General Conference this weekend. I learned that we have more in common as mothers in Zion than we have differences. All the important things we have in common. I've been secretly bitter and antagonistic towards other moms who, in their zeal and love for their babies, left me feeling inadequate and then, as a defense mechanism, spiteful and self-righteous. But I was wrong and if I have offended you, I'm sorry. President Eyring talked about the need for unity in the church and, although he wasn't talking about our need to come together as mothers and women, that's what I heard. That's what I needed to hear. A great day of unity is coming and I want to be a part of it. If that is to be, I knew I needed to give up my pride. Eyring said that we focus too much on our differences. We exaggerate them, trying to seperate ourselves from eachother, trying to

Today Soren got his first ouchy/boo-boo/cut. I felt like such a horrible parent! I was working in the kitchen, making dinner, and Soren was playing in his room. He's been a little testy lately whenever I have something to do; he doesn't like to be put down. I guess this is what 9-month separation anxiety is like. So when he started crying all of a sudden, I thought it was just melodrama and that I could stick the food in the oven before going to get him. His screaming rose quickly to a feverish pitch and I jammed dinner into the oven and rushed to the nursery. His shirt was covered in bright red spots and his face was smeared with it as well. I couldn't locate the source of the bleeding but there was a lot of it around his mouth. He was clinging to me and keening--and I couldn't make it better! I hurried to the bathroom and got a rag to wipe the blood away. The cut was on his lower lip and when I found spots on the bookcase, I gathered that he'd banged hims

I believe that the people that you love most have the power to change the person that you are. Falling in love with Scott forever changed the woman that I am. I look back with fondness on the girl I was. She is someone I was always happy to be. But I'm different now. And although as I was content before, I became even more so afterwards. I became more open and trusting. I felt more stable and peaceful. I think I gained wisdom. I don't think you can love and not be wiser. Loving Soren has irrevocably changed me too, as I hope every child I have will. Sometimes I feel as though I have borrowed his driving need for self-discovery and his refreshing lack of inhibitions. Sometimes, when I look in his sleepy eyes, I feel as though I have regained a lost innocence. And, again, I believe I am wiser now. This is how it happens: I'm sitting on the couch reading a book or a blog. I am encompassed by my own affairs and my own interests; I am an island and happy to stay that way. Soren

Yesterday, April Clauson and I went to a mommy-and-baby institute class. The topic of the class was discipline but it was assumed that none of the material we were learning would be used for a few years. The teacher doesn't think that children under the age of one are teachable. She was mostly giving us pointers for the future. A lot of it seemed like good advice for right now, though. I really feel that there are important things Soren can--and should--learn right now. Babies learn quickly about cause and effect. Soren knows that if he holds the sippy cup up, he gets juice and if he doesn't, he doesn't. He knows that if he scoots to the door of his room and bang on it during room time, I'll know he's done playing and I'll come and get him. He knows that if I put him in the crib, he won't get out until he's slept. I believe these correlations started to kick in around six months. Although he may not have any notion of morality, my 9-month-old

Today we went for a family outing and Soren was so pleasant! We walked down 4th S looking for some food and found an all-you-can-eat Himalayan buffet. We let Soren try all the different foods and, although he didn't like the spicy stuff as well, he enjoyed it the overall experience. Some of the other customers commented on how content he was; he was flashing big smiles all around the dining area. During the meal, he looked at Scott and said (very distinctly) "da da". Scott says it was just coincidence, though. He says that Soren calls him "abzzzzta" as often as he calls him anything resembling "da da". Still, it was really cute. After lunch, we walked to the public library. We went downstairs to the children's section where they have a room decorated like an ice palace. Scott said it was like the fortress of solitude and that someday we should make a superman suit for Soren. We picked out a couple of books and read them in the fort

This past week, Soren learned to pull himself up to standing. He's been able to stand with support for awhile and he's been able to pull himself up to a kneeling position for a while, too. But this week he put all the skills and gained dexterity together and started to pull himself all the way up. Now he scoots over to wherever I am and pulls himself hand over hand up my skirt or pants until he can look over the couch or rocking chair and see my face. The more he learns to do, the more fun it is to play with him. And I must admit, it's rewarding to see that as he gains the ability to get what he wants, most of the time he just wants to get closer to me or to Scott. The down side to this is that he is a lot more testy about going to bed. His crib used to be a place that he couldn't see out of. It kept outside stimulation to a minimum and created a safe, soothing environment for him to sleep in. Now, as soon as he hits the crib, he scoots around and pulls up

Dear Soren, This is my favorite age! 8 months old and you are cuter than you ever were, smarter than you ever were, and sweeter than you ever were. If there's a good thing about babies, apply a superlative to it and that's what you are now. And, oh! I am sure it will only get better. The first month, you were pretty unresponsive to the outside world. Your father and I would discuss endlessly your apparent preferences only to find they had no actual bearing you your moods. You did whatever you were going to do no matter what we did. That meant that some glorious days you would fall asleep in my arms, a warm and tiny bundle, an open conduit for my love and devotion. Other times you were inexplicably furious and inconsolable. The second month you learned to look at us and smile. That small change made your extreme mood swings more bearable. You were very particular about what you wanted and I didn't quite know the code, yet. I didn't always get it right but you

Soren and I went to Book Babies at the library this afternoon. We haven't been in about a month and in that time, his brain has developed so much! Soren seemed like a completely different baby t here, this week. Last time we went, he was crawling all over the floor and touching everything, especially the faces of other babies. This time he sat quietly on my lap with his attention riveted on the ladies reading stories. I think he was listening! He is beginning to understand that people are trying to communicate with him! He is fascinated by language. I could almost see the little wheels in his head turning. He was so attentive and intrigued, something I had not expected. Then we took the train downtown to have lunch with Scott. Lots of people stopped to say "hi" to Soren and he grinned at all of them. He's always liked people but I think he is beginning to grasp that there is a two-way street to interacting with people. Those noises they are making--t

Alisha Stamper's son, Wallace, came to play yesterday. Soren and Wally enjoyed exploring each other's faces, watching me sing nursery rhymes, and listening to a book. I know this shouldn't make me proud, but Soren was very petulant every time I put Wallace on my lap. He would scoot up to me and pat my leg very purposefully, making squawking protests. He knew that was his place and who was this little usurper? Then, when Scott came home from work, we watched some of the Olympics for family home evening. Soren sat snuggly on my lap for a little bit but as our attention started to shift more towards each other, he made his presence known by squirming, kicking, and coughing. He often coughs for attention. Soren crawled off my lap (nearly falling off the couch) and settled himself on his daddy's. He wanted some of Scott's attention! He was glad that Dad was home to play. I know Soren does need to learn to share. Someday (soon, I hope) he will have a little si

Today Soren mastered the pincher grasp! I poured a couple dozen corn pops onto his high chair tray and went into the kitchen to work on the dishes. When I came back, he was picking the corn pops up very carefully with his thumb and index finger (then shoving his whole fist into his mouth). In the past, he would just slam his flat, sticky hand down on top of a bit of cereal and hope that it would stick to his palm. Then he would mash his palm against his face and hope that the cereal would get into his mouth. It wasn't very effective. But today he got nearly all the cereal into his mouth. This is muscular development at work! I hurried to take some pictures but, alas, couldn't quite get a good angle on the delicate finger work. And what would I say to my boy today? As always, I'd say, I love you, son. And then I'd want him to tell him, you will enjoy the new freedom that will come at meals because you are learning to eat without making a mess.

the baby's bedtime he eats and then eats again screams himself to sleep the baby wakes up he has really crapped his pants time to change is now

This morning Scott was sitting at the table eating breakfast and I was putting on my shoes. Soren was crawling on the floor, trying to butt his head against on of the table legs, I imagine. Then, suddenly, he looked up and said, "Ba ba ba ba ge ge." It was the most distinct syllables in a row he has ever made. Scott broke into a huge grin and said, "Those are human noises!" Soren smiled at him and slipped back into his ever-persistent weird coughing noise. But he's definitely growing and developing! Now, he's sitting right next to me, eating corn pops. Actually, he just cleared them all away-- you clever boy --and is banging on the table for more. I love the way he can interact with me and the world! Here comes more food!

I remember Soren's first couple of months home from the hospital. That was one of the most difficult times of my life. My baby was finally here! I was so excited. And yet, no matter how much love and effort I poured into that boy, it seemed like he never responded. He couldn't move, he couldn't talk, he couldn't even look us in the eye. All he ever did was cry and eat. I thought that we would never sleep and the longer I went without sleep, the more frazzled Scott and I got. We would joke about chucking him out the window on particularly hard nights. I think the thought was too tempting so instead we began joking about feeding him to the cougars. We sang songs about it and it helped so much to laugh about our frustrations. We didn't know what Soren wanted ever and the only thing that would stop his mouth was sticking food in it. We were exhausted and I know now that he was, too. We had so many tricks to keep him happy and we would shuffle through them until w

(Almost) every night, Scott gives Soren a bath. This has been his habit since Soren was only a few weeks old. Of course, then our son was a lot less squirmy and protesting about it. Still, it is a special time when the two of them get to spend some time alone. I always use that time to do the dishes. I stand by the sink in the kitchen and try not to make a lot of noise so that I can hear what is happening in the bathroom. I hear Soren's protesting cough as Scott takes off his clothes. Then the water starts running. I know that Soren looks, fascinated at the running water. Scott puts him in the baby tub, facing away from the torrent and I know that Soren arches his back, trying to keep that tantalizing sight in view. Soren really likes the way the water looks. He'll be arching and squirming the whole time Scott washes him, but my husband is very efficient and it doesn't take long. My favorite part to listen to is after the bath. I can picture Soren on the

Ah, Sunday afternoon. For the first Sunday afternoon in months, I took a nap of my own with Scott. The boy was sleeping and the house was still. How blissful. Scott woke up about an hour into our nap and rushed to get Soren. He told me later that he'd had a nightmare that our baby was having seizures. When he woke up, his first thought was to check if Soren was ok. He said the boy looked up from his crib when he entered the room, rubbed his eyes, and flashed a gummy grin. Scott was very relieved to see him well and happy. He picked him up and tried to give him a hug. Soren's not a very cuddly baby. He was squirming and protesting but Scott carried him about for a bit, until he was sure he was ok, then brought him into bed with us. I think that was one of the first times I really got a glimpse of how much Scott loves our son. Dads have a very different love for their children, I think. But it is just as powerful and needed. Scott loves Soren very much and wants to protec

I remember the day I found out I was pregnant. It was a Tuesday and, although Scott and I were trying for a baby, I was not expecting it at all. When I got home from school, a few hours before Scott, I walked to the grocery store and bought a two-pack of pregnancy tests. I took the test and watched the indicator's window as a plus sign quickly materialized there. I could not believe how blessed we were! We were going to have a baby. The first thing I thought was "hooray!" Then I started shaking. My mind was racing. I didn't know if I was ready to be a good mother. I didn't know if I would regret it. I was pregnant now and from that point on, I would always be a mother. I wanted a child so much but I was frightened of the change as well. I called Scott and told him. He said, "That's wonderful!" and I started crying, from joy and stress I think. My whole body was quivering inside and I wanted him to come home and hold me, calm me down, and

Scott is going on a business trip tomorrow so we let Soren stay up a little later tonight to play with him. Soren has lots of stuffed dinosaurs in his room and Scott made them all talk in Chinese. The T-Rex is Soren's favorite. Or maybe it's just Scott's favorite. I'm not sure that babies have preferences like that yet. Either way, Soren were really enjoying it. The dinosaurs' made-up voices make him bubble with laughter. I'm even starting to learn a bit of dino-related Chinese vocabulary, mostly because they say the same things every time. Scott father always pretends they are arguing about who is the most ferocious dinosaur. I love watching Soren and Scott interact. My husband is a wonderful man and a great father. I often think of how lucky Soren is to have such an excellent role model of what it means to be a man. Soren started getting cranky, undoubtedly because it was past his bedtime, so I gave him a bottle and put him to bed. Now

Dear Soren, You were given a name and a blessing on February 3, 2008. You were six weeks old. I don't think I will ever forget that morning. I thought everything was going to be perfect. In the end, it was, but it didn't start out that way. Half-an-hour before church, everything was ready. Scott and I were dressed, my Sunday School lesson was prepared, and I was topping you off with a last-minute nursing, hoping to fill you up for the important event. You looked at me, unlatched, and puked everywhere. You were like a never-ending fountain of half-digested milk and we were covered in it. Instead of having a few leisurely minutes before the family arrived, now we both needed to re-bathe and re-dress. First you, before the adoring relatives arrived, then me while they were taking pictures. We did make it to church, with so much family in tow. Grandma and Grandpa Berg, Grandma and Grandpa Duede, Aunt Kim, Great-Aunt Karen and Great-Uncle Mark, the honorary aunts Je

Yesterday I saw my son cheer my husband up. Scott came home from work very discouraged and sore. I was busy making dinner and Soren was scooting around on the floor looking at toys. When Scott walked into the living room, Soren shot him an enormous grin and starting scooting towards him. He looked excited to see him and eager to reach him. Scott smiled and sat on the floor with our baby, watching him play with his toys. I was amazed--it seemed that my husband's troubles just melted away. Scott has always been a very attentive husband and father. But helpless baby was definitely not his favorite stage of development. Now that Soren is exploring more--and especially experimenting with human sounds--Scott is excited to be with him. Yesterday I heard him exclaim, "You just made a bi-labial plosive, son! How cute!" I'd never heard him call Soren cute before. My heart swelled up, suddenly warm and aching. I love them both so much and when we are all together

I just sneaked into Soren's room to watch him sleeping. That's almost always a bad idea but this time I lucked out. He stirred a little when I came in but stayed deep asleep, a few fingers halfway in and halfway out of his mouth. I stood by the crib, basking the serenity of Soren's sleep. I love to watch him play and eat and interact with people but there's something special and peaceful about watching him sleep. I love it when he wakes up in the morning and starts talking to himself in the crib. I come into the room singing our morning song. He smiles. He isn't upset to be in his crib but is very excited for the day to begin. He knows that there will be all his favorite things: food, people, toys, and music--today especially music. I played the harp for him this morning, something I keep forgetting he likes so much. He sat in his bouncer and listened while I practiced. After a while he wanted more interaction, so I played some songs to sing-along and l

Dear Soren, I remember the day you were born. I had been waiting for you to come a long time. All the doctors and nurses, all my friends and family, kept telling your father and I that we should expect you any day but I guess you just liked where you were. It must have been pretty cozy and although we tried all the tricks, we couldn't think of a way to coax you out. You wanted to pick your own time. And finally, after months of carrying, weeks of waiting, and hours of pushing, you were in my arms. You were the most beautiful baby in the world on that day. You were surrounded by people who loved you and wanted to welcome you into the world. I wanted to whisper in your ear, "Congratulations! We did it!" It was a journey that you and I took together and now I was so excited to show everyone the beautiful boy I had been carrying in my body for so long. You were so small! Every feature was so tiny and perfect: your little hands and ears, your tiny feet and nose. An

Yesterday night Soren did not want to go to sleep. As usual, Scott gave him a bath. I nursed him then carried him, singing a lullaby, to the nursery. When I lowered his body into the crib, he began to cry. So I picked him up and nursed him again. And again. When it became apparent he had no intention of going to bed happily, I brought him out to the living room to sit on the couch with us. He snuggled up between Scott and I while I played a video game. In spite of the fact that it was initially undesired, this unexpected time together made the evening's events special. Soren was quiet and alert, with a fist in his mouth and his tiny body close and warm. Sometimes he would reach his slobbery hand out to try and touch the game controller. That was gross and yet, endearing. After about an hour, Soren began to yawn. His eyes were barely open; they were dark crescent moons waning behind his eyelids. I carried him again the nursery and this time he put his head down and

At night, when the sun has gone down, some people like to go to sleep in their warm cozy beds. One such person, a young mother, was ready for said repose. She put on her warm pajama pants, threw her blanket over her shoulders, and snuggled into her soft clean sheets. When she had closed her eyes, she could finally sleep, and her heart swelled with joy. Then she heard a cry at her feet. Looking down, she saw a baby. Before she could move, the baby spoke: “I am suffering! It is too cold for me out here, and I am bored. There is no milk, and I am starving. Put me in your bed and feed me.” “Oh, no,” said the mother. “I know your kind. You are a baby. If I bring you into bed, you will puke on me, and I will have to change the sheets before I can go to sleep.” “Not so,” said the baby. “I will treat you differently. If you do this for me, you will be special. I will not puke in your bed.” The mother withstood for a while, but this was a very persuasive baby with beautiful coloring.