Mom Remembers

I remember Soren's first couple of months home from the hospital. That was one of the most difficult times of my life. My baby was finally here! I was so excited. And yet, no matter how much love and effort I poured into that boy, it seemed like he never responded. He couldn't move, he couldn't talk, he couldn't even look us in the eye. All he ever did was cry and eat. I thought that we would never sleep and the longer I went without sleep, the more frazzled Scott and I got. We would joke about chucking him out the window on particularly hard nights. I think the thought was too tempting so instead we began joking about feeding him to the cougars. We sang songs about it and it helped so much to laugh about our frustrations. We didn't know what Soren wanted ever and the only thing that would stop his mouth was sticking food in it. We were exhausted and I know now that he was, too. We had so many tricks to keep him happy and we would shuffle through them until w...

(Almost) every night, Scott gives Soren a bath. This has been his habit since Soren was only a few weeks old. Of course, then our son was a lot less squirmy and protesting about it. Still, it is a special time when the two of them get to spend some time alone. I always use that time to do the dishes. I stand by the sink in the kitchen and try not to make a lot of noise so that I can hear what is happening in the bathroom. I hear Soren's protesting cough as Scott takes off his clothes. Then the water starts running. I know that Soren looks, fascinated at the running water. Scott puts him in the baby tub, facing away from the torrent and I know that Soren arches his back, trying to keep that tantalizing sight in view. Soren really likes the way the water looks. He'll be arching and squirming the whole time Scott washes him, but my husband is very efficient and it doesn't take long. My favorite part to listen to is after the bath. I can picture Soren on the ...

Ah, Sunday afternoon. For the first Sunday afternoon in months, I took a nap of my own with Scott. The boy was sleeping and the house was still. How blissful. Scott woke up about an hour into our nap and rushed to get Soren. He told me later that he'd had a nightmare that our baby was having seizures. When he woke up, his first thought was to check if Soren was ok. He said the boy looked up from his crib when he entered the room, rubbed his eyes, and flashed a gummy grin. Scott was very relieved to see him well and happy. He picked him up and tried to give him a hug. Soren's not a very cuddly baby. He was squirming and protesting but Scott carried him about for a bit, until he was sure he was ok, then brought him into bed with us. I think that was one of the first times I really got a glimpse of how much Scott loves our son. Dads have a very different love for their children, I think. But it is just as powerful and needed. Scott loves Soren very much and wants to protec...

I remember the day I found out I was pregnant. It was a Tuesday and, although Scott and I were trying for a baby, I was not expecting it at all. When I got home from school, a few hours before Scott, I walked to the grocery store and bought a two-pack of pregnancy tests. I took the test and watched the indicator's window as a plus sign quickly materialized there. I could not believe how blessed we were! We were going to have a baby. The first thing I thought was "hooray!" Then I started shaking. My mind was racing. I didn't know if I was ready to be a good mother. I didn't know if I would regret it. I was pregnant now and from that point on, I would always be a mother. I wanted a child so much but I was frightened of the change as well. I called Scott and told him. He said, "That's wonderful!" and I started crying, from joy and stress I think. My whole body was quivering inside and I wanted him to come home and hold me, calm me down, and ...

Scott is going on a business trip tomorrow so we let Soren stay up a little later tonight to play with him. Soren has lots of stuffed dinosaurs in his room and Scott made them all talk in Chinese. The T-Rex is Soren's favorite. Or maybe it's just Scott's favorite. I'm not sure that babies have preferences like that yet. Either way, Soren were really enjoying it. The dinosaurs' made-up voices make him bubble with laughter. I'm even starting to learn a bit of dino-related Chinese vocabulary, mostly because they say the same things every time. Scott father always pretends they are arguing about who is the most ferocious dinosaur. I love watching Soren and Scott interact. My husband is a wonderful man and a great father. I often think of how lucky Soren is to have such an excellent role model of what it means to be a man. Soren started getting cranky, undoubtedly because it was past his bedtime, so I gave him a bottle and put him to bed. Now ...

Dear Soren, You were given a name and a blessing on February 3, 2008. You were six weeks old. I don't think I will ever forget that morning. I thought everything was going to be perfect. In the end, it was, but it didn't start out that way. Half-an-hour before church, everything was ready. Scott and I were dressed, my Sunday School lesson was prepared, and I was topping you off with a last-minute nursing, hoping to fill you up for the important event. You looked at me, unlatched, and puked everywhere. You were like a never-ending fountain of half-digested milk and we were covered in it. Instead of having a few leisurely minutes before the family arrived, now we both needed to re-bathe and re-dress. First you, before the adoring relatives arrived, then me while they were taking pictures. We did make it to church, with so much family in tow. Grandma and Grandpa Berg, Grandma and Grandpa Duede, Aunt Kim, Great-Aunt Karen and Great-Uncle Mark, the honorary aunts Je...

Yesterday I saw my son cheer my husband up. Scott came home from work very discouraged and sore. I was busy making dinner and Soren was scooting around on the floor looking at toys. When Scott walked into the living room, Soren shot him an enormous grin and starting scooting towards him. He looked excited to see him and eager to reach him. Scott smiled and sat on the floor with our baby, watching him play with his toys. I was amazed--it seemed that my husband's troubles just melted away. Scott has always been a very attentive husband and father. But helpless baby was definitely not his favorite stage of development. Now that Soren is exploring more--and especially experimenting with human sounds--Scott is excited to be with him. Yesterday I heard him exclaim, "You just made a bi-labial plosive, son! How cute!" I'd never heard him call Soren cute before. My heart swelled up, suddenly warm and aching. I love them both so much and when we are all together...

I just sneaked into Soren's room to watch him sleeping. That's almost always a bad idea but this time I lucked out. He stirred a little when I came in but stayed deep asleep, a few fingers halfway in and halfway out of his mouth. I stood by the crib, basking the serenity of Soren's sleep. I love to watch him play and eat and interact with people but there's something special and peaceful about watching him sleep. I love it when he wakes up in the morning and starts talking to himself in the crib. I come into the room singing our morning song. He smiles. He isn't upset to be in his crib but is very excited for the day to begin. He knows that there will be all his favorite things: food, people, toys, and music--today especially music. I played the harp for him this morning, something I keep forgetting he likes so much. He sat in his bouncer and listened while I practiced. After a while he wanted more interaction, so I played some songs to sing-along and l...

Dear Soren, I remember the day you were born. I had been waiting for you to come a long time. All the doctors and nurses, all my friends and family, kept telling your father and I that we should expect you any day but I guess you just liked where you were. It must have been pretty cozy and although we tried all the tricks, we couldn't think of a way to coax you out. You wanted to pick your own time. And finally, after months of carrying, weeks of waiting, and hours of pushing, you were in my arms. You were the most beautiful baby in the world on that day. You were surrounded by people who loved you and wanted to welcome you into the world. I wanted to whisper in your ear, "Congratulations! We did it!" It was a journey that you and I took together and now I was so excited to show everyone the beautiful boy I had been carrying in my body for so long. You were so small! Every feature was so tiny and perfect: your little hands and ears, your tiny feet and nose. An...

Yesterday night Soren did not want to go to sleep. As usual, Scott gave him a bath. I nursed him then carried him, singing a lullaby, to the nursery. When I lowered his body into the crib, he began to cry. So I picked him up and nursed him again. And again. When it became apparent he had no intention of going to bed happily, I brought him out to the living room to sit on the couch with us. He snuggled up between Scott and I while I played a video game. In spite of the fact that it was initially undesired, this unexpected time together made the evening's events special. Soren was quiet and alert, with a fist in his mouth and his tiny body close and warm. Sometimes he would reach his slobbery hand out to try and touch the game controller. That was gross and yet, endearing. After about an hour, Soren began to yawn. His eyes were barely open; they were dark crescent moons waning behind his eyelids. I carried him again the nursery and this time he put his head down and ...