A few months ago, Scott introduced a new dinnertime ritual that has been working really well for us. We were trying to make the dinner time a more pleasant time, rather than an ongoing lecture on manners for our kids or a never-ending lecture on Pokemon for us. We tried a few things but the one that stuck was this new ritual for turn-based conversation.
Here's how it works: After the dinner prayer, while Scott and I dish up food, we go around the table and everyone picks topics to discuss. Topics the kids have picked recently: "my day", "salt crystals dissolving in water", "the publication of A Memory of Light", "names", "Atensity", and "Yugiyo XG". Scott and I get to pick a topic too like "tweets", "the Oregon Medicaid study", "kindergarten", "the economy", or "what I love about Carl". The idea is to give everyone a chance to speak briefly, knowing that they will get more time later on. Then, Scott invites someone to begin talking about their topic. The rule is that other people may talk during this time but only if they are contributing to the current topic. We all try to give our full attention to each other.
A few wonderful things have come from this. Firstly, I am actually beginning to understand what my kids are talking about! Rather than suffering through an endless recitation of Pokemon manga recaps without actually listening, the declaration of topics helps me focus. Even when they choose to talk about things I don't know much about, their initial summary helps me understand the gist. It lets me know what is important to them and gives me a chance to practice listening. I am getting to know my kids by actually listening, not just pretending to listen. It's embarrassing that I need such an organized ritual to get me to tune in but if that's what I need, I'm glad we're doing it.
Secondly, the kids are also becoming better listeners. Soren especially wants to hear about our topics and frequently insists that we go first. It used to be quite a struggle to get a word in edgewise around the dinner table. Now, the kids understand that we will take turns talking. Carl enjoys going first and Soren enjoys going last but no one takes advantage of their turn by monopolizing the conversation. It is wonderfully refreshing to have my own turn.
Lastly, our original goal has definitely been achieved; dinner time is a more pleasant time for all of us. It's become one of my favorite times of day.
A few days ago, the boys were eating lunch with our neighbors Texas and Elizabeth. Texas, Elizabeth, and Carl were boisterously calling each other silly names while Soren was fruitlessly trying to tell them something. I had to laugh at his solution. When the other kids were taking a breath, he quickly interjected, "Let's pick topics." Since Carl knew what he was talking about, they quickly got the ball rolling. I was very pleased at the result; after declaring his topic, Soren listened patiently to a few more rounds of name-calling then took the floor to tell the other kids about his dad's job. I could sense in him the same relief that I felt when we instituted this new ritual: how marvelous it is to be heard!
Here's how it works: After the dinner prayer, while Scott and I dish up food, we go around the table and everyone picks topics to discuss. Topics the kids have picked recently: "my day", "salt crystals dissolving in water", "the publication of A Memory of Light", "names", "Atensity", and "Yugiyo XG". Scott and I get to pick a topic too like "tweets", "the Oregon Medicaid study", "kindergarten", "the economy", or "what I love about Carl". The idea is to give everyone a chance to speak briefly, knowing that they will get more time later on. Then, Scott invites someone to begin talking about their topic. The rule is that other people may talk during this time but only if they are contributing to the current topic. We all try to give our full attention to each other.
A few wonderful things have come from this. Firstly, I am actually beginning to understand what my kids are talking about! Rather than suffering through an endless recitation of Pokemon manga recaps without actually listening, the declaration of topics helps me focus. Even when they choose to talk about things I don't know much about, their initial summary helps me understand the gist. It lets me know what is important to them and gives me a chance to practice listening. I am getting to know my kids by actually listening, not just pretending to listen. It's embarrassing that I need such an organized ritual to get me to tune in but if that's what I need, I'm glad we're doing it.
Secondly, the kids are also becoming better listeners. Soren especially wants to hear about our topics and frequently insists that we go first. It used to be quite a struggle to get a word in edgewise around the dinner table. Now, the kids understand that we will take turns talking. Carl enjoys going first and Soren enjoys going last but no one takes advantage of their turn by monopolizing the conversation. It is wonderfully refreshing to have my own turn.
Lastly, our original goal has definitely been achieved; dinner time is a more pleasant time for all of us. It's become one of my favorite times of day.
A few days ago, the boys were eating lunch with our neighbors Texas and Elizabeth. Texas, Elizabeth, and Carl were boisterously calling each other silly names while Soren was fruitlessly trying to tell them something. I had to laugh at his solution. When the other kids were taking a breath, he quickly interjected, "Let's pick topics." Since Carl knew what he was talking about, they quickly got the ball rolling. I was very pleased at the result; after declaring his topic, Soren listened patiently to a few more rounds of name-calling then took the floor to tell the other kids about his dad's job. I could sense in him the same relief that I felt when we instituted this new ritual: how marvelous it is to be heard!
Comments