This post is a lot more about my feeelings (as Audrey would say) than I usually discuss in this blog but it needs to be written. It probably doesn't need to be written for any of my readers; perhaps it only needs to be written for me. It's about my experiences with Soren as a new baby and the valuable truth I want to remember when I have another new baby.
A lot of my friends are pregnant with their first child right now and so this spring has been the baby shower season for me. Baby showers are a great opportunity to give gifts and advice, so I've been thinking a lot about the gadgetry I was most grateful for and the knowledge I wish I'd had when Soren was born.
Picking out a baby shower gift is easy. Scott and I knew immediately what material possession
made having a baby 10xs easier: our sling. We went without diapers and bottles and didn't use our bassinet or stroller for months. But we would never have survived the first week without the sling we carried Soren around in. So it's easy to know what gift I should give my friends who are expecting.
On the other hand, framing useful (yet appropriate) advice for another woman is hard, and maybe shouldn't even be tried. I know that in all the showers I have been to in the past month, I have made a complete fool of myself trying to articulate (in my tactless, too-loud, overbearing way) what I wish I'd known when I became a mother. I don't think I ever got across what I wanted to say and I know I've said a lot of things I didn't mean.
So here it is, as succictly as possible: I wish I'd known how Satan would attack me as soon as I brought home my new, perfect child.
Becoming a mother was the realization of my divine potential and Soren was a miracle.
With my change of role came an opportunity for increased love and joy beyond anything I had ever known before. I caught a glimpse of it when Scott placed our tiny boy in my arms the very first time. I felt such tenderness and wonder. I felt peace--the kind of peace so strong it made my heart burn and my body tremble.
Of course such a wonderful, divine gift would anger the Adversary. Of course my new responsibility to cherish and protect, to nurture and love this innocent child of God would be under constant attack. It only makes sense, but I didn't think of it then. I wasn't expecting it and so I was unprepared for the guilt, the self-loathing, the jealousy, and the anger. Those feelings were the way that Satan attacked me and with them he tried to drive me away from my husband, my child, and my God.
In the first two months, I often felt an overwhelming maelstom of negative emotions that threatened to burst from me as hateful words and irreperable actions. In the darkest hours of early motherhood, I sometimes wanted to scream at my baby, to blot out his crying, to leave him in the snow, or to shake some sense into him. That is the ugliness and reality of the devil's terrifying power.
And here is the glorious power of a mother's love: when I was exhausted and in pain and weary of the screaming,
there was only the dam of my love and God's love to hold back the storm so it did not touch my dear one. That powerful love not only invited blinding joy in the sweet moments, it also was strong enough to resist the horrible temptations of the bleakest times.
I wish I could tell every mother that feeling the negative emotions associated with post-partum stress and/or depression is not failure. To feel that way is human. To control it is divine.
I wish I could tell myself and my friends that while Satan's attacks are real and potent, God is also real and He trusts them. When the dark hours of mothering come--and they will--we can be sure that love will triumph.
A lot of my friends are pregnant with their first child right now and so this spring has been the baby shower season for me. Baby showers are a great opportunity to give gifts and advice, so I've been thinking a lot about the gadgetry I was most grateful for and the knowledge I wish I'd had when Soren was born.
Picking out a baby shower gift is easy. Scott and I knew immediately what material possession
made having a baby 10xs easier: our sling. We went without diapers and bottles and didn't use our bassinet or stroller for months. But we would never have survived the first week without the sling we carried Soren around in. So it's easy to know what gift I should give my friends who are expecting.On the other hand, framing useful (yet appropriate) advice for another woman is hard, and maybe shouldn't even be tried. I know that in all the showers I have been to in the past month, I have made a complete fool of myself trying to articulate (in my tactless, too-loud, overbearing way) what I wish I'd known when I became a mother. I don't think I ever got across what I wanted to say and I know I've said a lot of things I didn't mean.
So here it is, as succictly as possible: I wish I'd known how Satan would attack me as soon as I brought home my new, perfect child.
Becoming a mother was the realization of my divine potential and Soren was a miracle.
With my change of role came an opportunity for increased love and joy beyond anything I had ever known before. I caught a glimpse of it when Scott placed our tiny boy in my arms the very first time. I felt such tenderness and wonder. I felt peace--the kind of peace so strong it made my heart burn and my body tremble.Of course such a wonderful, divine gift would anger the Adversary. Of course my new responsibility to cherish and protect, to nurture and love this innocent child of God would be under constant attack. It only makes sense, but I didn't think of it then. I wasn't expecting it and so I was unprepared for the guilt, the self-loathing, the jealousy, and the anger. Those feelings were the way that Satan attacked me and with them he tried to drive me away from my husband, my child, and my God.
In the first two months, I often felt an overwhelming maelstom of negative emotions that threatened to burst from me as hateful words and irreperable actions. In the darkest hours of early motherhood, I sometimes wanted to scream at my baby, to blot out his crying, to leave him in the snow, or to shake some sense into him. That is the ugliness and reality of the devil's terrifying power.
And here is the glorious power of a mother's love: when I was exhausted and in pain and weary of the screaming,
there was only the dam of my love and God's love to hold back the storm so it did not touch my dear one. That powerful love not only invited blinding joy in the sweet moments, it also was strong enough to resist the horrible temptations of the bleakest times.I wish I could tell every mother that feeling the negative emotions associated with post-partum stress and/or depression is not failure. To feel that way is human. To control it is divine.
I wish I could tell myself and my friends that while Satan's attacks are real and potent, God is also real and He trusts them. When the dark hours of mothering come--and they will--we can be sure that love will triumph.
Comments
I don't think this advice is too serious for a baby shower. Many times the hardest thing to hear is the most important. Every mother needs to know she's NEVER alone, even during her darkest times.
I have no doubt that you're an awesome mother. I miss you.
Thanks for articualting this ... I dare go no furthur into my appreciation for I am not as succinct write as you!
Thanks for posting this. It really is the best advice you could give any new mother. I know it's something I really, REALLY struggled with and my husband literally DRAGGED us to the ER for a psych evaluation. After a blessing from him and another nurse there, we decided to turn around and go home.
It really isn't easy. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done--more difficult than keeping up running for 8 months, more difficult than taking 12 credit hours this summer on top of a part-time job and a house to run, more difficult than anything I could ever remember doing.
But with this knowledge, I think I'm ready for whatever the Adversary will throw at me next time.