Sven's Birth

I woke up on Wednesday, March 6th genuinely glad to be *still pregnant* for the first time in months.

I had dreamed of Sven and he had been perfect, brighter and stronger than I could have imagined in my waking hours.  In the dream, I knew it was because he had been allowed to gestate for so long.  I was impressed with this thought: that my baby must be allowed to reach his full potential within the womb to reach his full potential outside of it.

I woke up, glowing with the knowledge that, at 10 days "overdue", I was meant to be pregnant and that this was perfect for my baby.

I went to see the midwives that morning.  They offered to try inducing labor but I declined.  I was delighted with how calm they were about my long pregnancy.  Their trust in me strengthened my trust in me.  I was happy and the future was trustworthy.

***

And so of course, my labor began that night.

Scott and I were watching "Columbo" on the couch, unknowingly enjoying our last evening alone for a while.  A little after 11:00 pm, we both heard an audible "POP" and I felt it inside, like a bone popping where there were no bones.  Surprised, I stood up and felt a trickle of amniotic fluid leave me.  I smiled so big and announced, "My water just broke!"

Scott called my mom, then he and she transferred our sleeping boys to a neighbors house for the night.  I called the midwives, who recommended we go to bed and try to get some sleep as my contractions seemed very manageable.  But I was only able to lie down for about half-an-hour before I was up again, feeling the need to move with them, almost to dance with them.  The more that I rolled my hips and relaxed my torso, the more able I was to enjoy the powerful feeling.  

In my home study birthing materials, the contractions were described as "pressure waves", which seemed very descriptive of all the pre-birth contractions I had been experiencing over the previous weeks.  But after my water broke, the contractions didn't feel much like waves of pressure.  They felt more like "stretching waves".  The feeling of pressure was completely overpowered by the feeling of my cervix stretching.  I was delighted by how effective they felt and excited to meet my baby.

I knew that I needed to go to the birthing center soon but I wanted to let Scott and my mom get a little bit of sleep.  However, when the contractions started coming 5 minutes apart, I decided to call the midwives.  It was 1:00 am when I told them I needed to come in.  I am glad I did because they were an hour away and wouldn't be able to receive me at the birthing center until 2:00!  

Scott heard me talking on the phone and woke up.  He came out into the living room and I asked him to give me a priesthood blessing while we waited.  When he finished the blessing, I felt full of love for him and for our baby as well as endowed with power to bring them together.

***

We arrived at the birthing center a little after 2:00 am.  I told my mom, as we were walking up to the door, that I was worried I might still be in first stage labor because I felt so happy and excited.  The transfer from apartment to car to birthing center was very smooth and I was able to be very relaxed.  The words from my "Birthing Day Affirmations" CD were ringing in my mind: This is what I want and I am doing it!  I felt empowered and completely peaceful.

My favorite midwife (Suzanne) was on call and she showed me into the examining room.  First she, and then her student, checked my cervix to see how far dilated I was and to determine whether I was "really in labor".  They both seemed surprised so I knew the news was good but I was still elated when the midwife announced that I was an 8!  I did a mental fist pump at that!  Go me!  8/10ths of the way done!  I had to laugh when Suzanne said, "So you can definitely stay."

They drew me a bath while I changed my clothes and tried out the birthing ball (unimpressive).  Before long, I was sinking into the warm water with my mom and Scott close by, candles flickering in the windowsill and stars flickering in the sky.  My first contraction in the water felt so much better that I began to think "natures anesthesia" was just as good as the real thing.  I told Scott, "Wow, I didn't think I would be into the water birth thing but this feels incredible!"  Then the next contraction came and I had to laugh at myself; that first one was a fluke and they really felt no different.  Still, who doesn't enjoy a giant bath?  

What made the biggest difference was not the water but the cues that my mom would use to help me relax.  When a contraction came, I would close my eyes and focus on my exhalation, breathing out my tension like I often do before a big harp performance.  Then my mom would put her hand on my forehead and whisper "relax".  My body would instantly loosen the rest of the way and I would feel great.  

I felt very much outside of time and so I cannot tell how long I labored in the tub, although it couldn't have been more than an hour.  Near the end, I began to feel nauseous and threw up several times.  I also started experiencing double peaked contractions, a sign that I was very close to the finish.  For the most part, I felt very calm and in control.  However, I do remember whispering (or whining?) to the student midwife, "I don't like the ones with two peaks."  "Those are the ones that really get the work done," she replied while checking my baby's heartbeat with her portable doppler.

At some point, I felt a strong urge to get out of the tub--NOW!--and from that point on, it was harder to be relaxed.  I remember writhing in the water, pressing myself against the back of the tub and feeling very confused.  After that contraction, I told my team that I needed to get to the bed right away, although I didn't know yet why.  I just knew that the bath was not the right place for me to be right then and I couldn't relax again until I was out.  

Another contraction hit me on the way from the tub to the bedroom and I remember lying in the doorway, completely overwhelmed by the pain.  Then it was gone and I hurried the rest of the way to the bed.  

I imagined myself getting there and sinking into the mattress, all my discomfort melting away.  But when the next contraction came I could still find no relief.  I felt the stretching and the tightening grow stronger and stronger while my mind scrambled, looking for something--anything!--to grab onto.  The peak passed and as my body slowly released, I realized, "I want to push!"

I scrambled up onto all fours and waited for the next contraction.  The midwife and her student checked my cervix (as if I was waiting for their assessment!) and assured me that I was a 10 and ready to go.  Then I felt the urge come again and I pushed while exhaling with a mighty shout!

I felt so powerful!  I was transformed!  I wasn't riding the waves anymore, I was the wave.  I felt a primal force moving through me and oh, how I shouted!

The midwives say I pushed for 18 minutes.  We found out later that his hand was up next to his head, which was why he moved so slowly at first.  But it didn't seem long to me at all, although the work was very hard.  Near the end, I would collapse, exhausted, on my side when a contraction ended.  But while I was pushing, I felt so strong.  And there was no pain.  In fact, as Sven neared the end of the birth canal, I remember saying, "Yes, that feels good!"  

The best part was the crowning, while felt nothing like a ring of fire.  It was more of a pleasant but firm pressure.  And then his head was out, I heard his lusty cry, and my mom exclaimed, "He's here!"  With the next push, his shoulders came out and Suzanne said, "I am passing you your baby."  

He was born straight into my arms.

He looked a little gray to me but he was crying and it was a beautiful, healthy sound.  I grabbed him and turned onto my back, laying him on my abdomen.  I found myself repeating the mantra, "He's here, he's here, he's finally here."  He pinked up while I admired every bit of his little body.

He was beautiful in a way that only a mother could see: my beautiful new person.  To look at him was to be awash with happiness.  The sight of him was pleasing.  Isn't that what beauty is?  He may have been sticky with a face like an old man but he was beautiful to me.

***

All the afterbirth stuff is no fun.  The contractions didn't stop right away and they were much more uncomfortable now that my uterus was empty.  I tried to remember that they were still productive, just for a different purpose, but I couldn't get mentally invested in them enough to be relaxed.  

My mom cut the umbilical cord and soon afterwards, I began uncontrollably shaking.  Scott took the baby and the midwives coached me through birthing the placenta.  I felt much better when that was out but still not great.  The afterpains were annoying, I was tired and weak, and my body felt sticky and gross.  I kept thinking that I should nurse Sven but I was just too overwhelmed by it all.  Thank goodness I didn't need any stitches!

I don't really group these memories with my birth experience so I'm not sure why I include them here.  Probably because it was so different from what I expected.  I expected the birth to be something I endured and everything afterwards to be wonderful in comparison.  I was looking forward to the "natural high" I had heard about.  Instead, I found the birth to be a wonderful experience and everything afterwards to be something I endured.  I guess you can't have it all.

***

Natural childbirth is awesome.  I did it for the money and for the health benefits but I will do it again for different reasons.  

I will do it again because it was so peaceful.  

I will do it again because it was an amazing way to come to know myself.  I found a previously unknown well of mental strength.  I also learned to trust my body and discovered for myself the effectiveness of God's amazing design.

I will do it again because I felt happy and safe.

I will do it again because it was a bonding experience for me, my husband, my mother, and my baby. It was so much more active than my epidural births and because of that, there was a interdependent circle of people involved.

I will do it again because I loved being needle-free!

I will do it again because it connects me to other women through the ages.  Childbirth is a uniquely feminine experience and I love the shared experience it gives me with my ancestors and my neighbors.  We are women and we have discovered our secret strength!

I will do it again because it felt like a miracle.  I want to experience that unbelievable feeling again.