It can be really hard to live with a toddler (not to mention two!). In a not-so-recent The Onion article, a "reporter" teased that toddlers have been found to be bi-polar. I certainly feel that way about my kids sometimes. One minute they are dancing and laughing and playing happily by themselves; the next minute they are screaming "I kill you!", throwing themselves to the floor, screaching, sobbing, or lashing out aggressively.
This kind of behavior is undesirable. It drives me crazy and is really embarassing in public. It is not the way mature people handle themselves. It won't make them any friends. I definitely want to help my children grow out of temper tantrums.
In my zeal to eliminate temper tantrums and all "excessive" displays of negative emotion, I used to have mini temper tantrums myself. I would haul the offending child by the elbows to his room (screaming louder than he was) and chuck him unceremoniously on his bed. Then I would slam the door and not open it until he had stopped his crying. (This is not the way mature people handle themselves.)
However, I increasingly feel that punishing my sons for expressing their very real frustrations is counter-productive. Here a few of my reasons:
1. I want them to confide in me. To gain their trust, I must listen to their anger and sadness as well as their happiness.
2. Their behavior is developmentally normal, meaning that they simply don't yet have the skills to control their raging humanity.
3. It seems to me that preventing a verbal expression of anger does not make the anger go away. It merely channels it to even more destructive paths: physical and then behavioral expressions. My children will, with time, learn to verbally express their frustration in a socially acceptable way. Until then, I sure don't want them to switch from verbal to passive-aggressive.
4. Most convincingly, I think about how the people who love me best respond to my illogical emotional outbursts: they listen. My husband especially is good at listening, letting it all pour out of me, and offering nothing but support and affection. That makes me feel good. I can do that for my kids.
My solution: to take a break. Whenever my children are experiencing uncontrollable emotions, we both go lie down on my bed. They know that my bed is no fun but it is a place where they can express themselves until they are calm. Often, I need the break as much as they do. I sing calming songs, we recite scriptures, and sometimes we just snuggle together. Other times, we lie on opposite sides of the bed, the boy screaming and me breathing deeply, until we are ready to make peace.
It is the only truly wonderful "disciplinary measure" I have ever enacted. We start angry and contentious; we end feeling a greater bond of love and strength. It is a great way to connect with toddlers and I hope it will be a tradition we can continue, no matter how old we get.
This kind of behavior is undesirable. It drives me crazy and is really embarassing in public. It is not the way mature people handle themselves. It won't make them any friends. I definitely want to help my children grow out of temper tantrums.
In my zeal to eliminate temper tantrums and all "excessive" displays of negative emotion, I used to have mini temper tantrums myself. I would haul the offending child by the elbows to his room (screaming louder than he was) and chuck him unceremoniously on his bed. Then I would slam the door and not open it until he had stopped his crying. (This is not the way mature people handle themselves.)
However, I increasingly feel that punishing my sons for expressing their very real frustrations is counter-productive. Here a few of my reasons:
1. I want them to confide in me. To gain their trust, I must listen to their anger and sadness as well as their happiness.
2. Their behavior is developmentally normal, meaning that they simply don't yet have the skills to control their raging humanity.
3. It seems to me that preventing a verbal expression of anger does not make the anger go away. It merely channels it to even more destructive paths: physical and then behavioral expressions. My children will, with time, learn to verbally express their frustration in a socially acceptable way. Until then, I sure don't want them to switch from verbal to passive-aggressive.
4. Most convincingly, I think about how the people who love me best respond to my illogical emotional outbursts: they listen. My husband especially is good at listening, letting it all pour out of me, and offering nothing but support and affection. That makes me feel good. I can do that for my kids.
My solution: to take a break. Whenever my children are experiencing uncontrollable emotions, we both go lie down on my bed. They know that my bed is no fun but it is a place where they can express themselves until they are calm. Often, I need the break as much as they do. I sing calming songs, we recite scriptures, and sometimes we just snuggle together. Other times, we lie on opposite sides of the bed, the boy screaming and me breathing deeply, until we are ready to make peace.
It is the only truly wonderful "disciplinary measure" I have ever enacted. We start angry and contentious; we end feeling a greater bond of love and strength. It is a great way to connect with toddlers and I hope it will be a tradition we can continue, no matter how old we get.
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