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Pregnant?

I am nine weeks pregnant.

I've been trying to get pregnant since Soren was four months old.

I'm not sure why I felt such a sense of urgency in connection with our next child. I knew I wanted another almost immediately after Soren was born. Even while I was still struggling with the impossible wish to turn back time and undo our first child, I felt the need to plan and desire for our second.

And when I told Scott that I wanted another, he was unbelievably good-natured. He was still in shock at the broken pieces of our former life but he only laughed in disbelief, not disapproval. Amazing man that he is, he agreed to try for another baby.

It was several months before I became fertile and I have had two miscarriages since then. It's almost scary to admit that I'm pregnant again because I've been wanting and waiting for this baby for, what has seemed to me, an unbearably long time.

So when I got pregnant this time, I didn't take a pregnancy test and I didn't even allow myself to acknowledge it. When I mentioned it to my mom at six weeks, I started spotting and thought I was loosing another baby again. Overcome with worry, I superstitiously promised myself not to tell anyone else. I suppose I thought that if I kept the baby secret, I could keep it safe.

So far the baby has been safe. I stopped spotting and everything seemed to be progressing normally. I don't think it was my superstitious decision that has protected this baby for so long, though. I feel that it has been cradled in the hand of God, since the cradle of my womb is apparently so harsh and unwelcoming. I fasted and prayed a great deal this past month, asking God for the chance to know and love this child. I prayed that our little one would survive and that prayer has been granted thus far.

I threw up last week while visiting my parents, which was like a sign to me that everything was ok. I haven't felt any morning sickness since then, which is very strange, but I was so grateful for that first bout of nausea. It meant that I was still pregnant; it felt like an answer to my prayers.

And so I'm ready to hope. I feel like it is time for planning and expecting, although I still don't want to tell anyone yet.

This baby is due August 23 and I am now fairly certain we will be blessed with him or her. It has taken longer than I would have liked to secure us a second child but I am so grateful we finally have.
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